valencia Writes

Life, Deferred

A poem by Valencia Jermaine (aka Valencia Cropper Turner)

**WARNING**: This poem contains references to traumatic situations. Reader discretion is advised.

I am a gift from God, to a child of God

Whose goodness remains the light

To which I follow with my weary heart

I grew up looking out the window into

Nowhere special, as I dreamed of places

I would hope to one day go.

Still hoping.

Still staring.

Still believing the possible.

So, I began to write the impossible.

Kept it in my notebook, shut away from the real world

The ones I created were far more interesting,

And accepting.

I lived in a shadow of my own creation,

But it shielded me from nothing

From no one

It provided no warmth. I felt no protection from the elements of love,

loss, hate, aggression, fear

Who the hell cares if I shed a tear?

Well, what they can’t see, I hide

It is my right to decide

What pain I share

After all, if you can’t see it

Is it still there?

Is telling the truth worth the leather belt

Or the leathery hand, across my backside

Unyielding. Unforgiving. Not listening. Not stopping.

Tears flowing. Screaming inside and out.

The welts are gone

The memory still burns, stings, sings

The tears – long dried.

Is it better to lie?

Is it better to hide?

I allowed the bullies of my past to shape the woman

I see in the mirror

They called me a “beast,” but now

I wonder: Did they fear her?

I played it safe. I always have

As he stood before me, filled with rage

First defiant, then cautious

I simply turned the page

I chose to hold my tongue

I chose to surrender the gun

To a cooler head and a warmer heart;

One I believed I was defending, but in truth

I was breaking, with the click of the hammer

I’m just not as strong –

As her

I listened to the voices in my head

Yet, I chose to live, instead.

Played my cards close to the vest,

No matter how good the hand

I’d dealt myself.

I never showed anyone else.

Kept those dreams on a shelf

In life, as a wife

I never drove.

I chose the passenger seat

Sometimes for love.

Sometimes in defeat.

My life of caution exploded before me

Tainted by those, I thought adored me

Worked hard, played by the rules

Drowning in debt. Lied to by fools

The slow betrayal of my body, commenced

So intense – the pain weakening everything

My brain, my body, my life

A constant battle – my inner strife

I lost myself, and everything else.

I prayed, but I couldn’t stay

Couldn’t save the four walls crumbling around me

Then love found me. Unbound me. Chose,

Independently, to surround me.

To pick up the mantle I left off

And yet, I scoff – at my body’s attack on my spirit

Yet, I still hear it.

I may even be near it.

Resilient heart and mind. No time to care

If my legs can’t hold me up

There are other ways to get where

I need to be

There is more than one way to stand

If I can’t do it with my feet

Then, by God, I will use my hands.